The Big Change

Here's another bitch I know. This time we'll call her Betch G. And she just did the bitchiest thing a bitch can do.

Betch G changed her number.

She has been using the same cellphone number for as long as I know, and now she's got a new combination. Her reason? She needs a SIM card that's got more features and services. The real reason? She just wants attention.

Betch G has been going around asking everyone if we've got her new number. Now you must remember: no one cares if you've got a new one, unless they want you around or need you for something. Apparently, no one cares about Betch G's new number. This is exemplified by her act of grabbing my phone and changing it herself. Prior to that, she even asked me repeatedly if I have already changed her number. See how much she craves for attention? And that wasn't even enough for her. She's been changing a lot of herself lately just to get people to notice her. Betch G changed her clothes, shoes, and conditioner. You must be thinking it's ridiculous (and yes, it really is ridiculous), but she put out so much effort to do those things to get some attention. She doesn't change her clothes, shoes and conditioner very often, so you must understand. It ain't effective; she realized that, of course. So she went from mundane alterations to an extreme one. The latest modification she's made was to change her own name.

Betch G is now known as Steve Wicks.
That still didn't get people to change her number.

Nice to Know, Good for You!

Betch L has been my friend for almost the whole of my stay in college. Your first impression of her would be a quiet, bug-eyed girl. Now that I know her a lot better, I can say she is quite interesting to talk to and pretty fun to hang out with. Occasionally though, I noticed that she’d mention things regarding herself that none among our circle of friends gives a hoot about. Betch L surprises us with information we don’t need.

A few of the things you might have heard her say:

• I saw him today!
• I bought a magazine
• I got a perfect score in accounting
• Guys, I got a new top!
• I’m so happy
• I’m going shopping today!
• I’m going to urinate! You guys wanna come with me?
  

I’ve been dealing with her for more than two years now, and I have involuntarily created a template on how to address her words. If you ever happen to meet her, I have here a few lines that might be helpful when she comes in contact with you.

You always start off by looking into her eyes with your mouth slightly open. Softly say ‘ahh’ while she is still talking. Nod a bit with your mouth shut or your lips pursed until she finishes.

When she’s done, give her a blank face and follow it by saying either of these two:

• Nice to know!
• Good for you!

Say both if you wish. Next, you combine it with any of the following:

• Cannot live without knowing that fact!
• Very informative!
• You made my day!
• That information just made my day!
• That’s so inspirational!
• It’s an honor to be blessed with such information!
  

Say it like you mean it. I suggest you also use hand gestures and try to look overwhelmed by the information that has been imparted to you.

Female Dog with Udders

Bitch is a widely used term with many meanings associated to it- slut, enemy, female dog, unfortunate event. It’s a term used for different purposes- for thick-faced people, people you hate, people you love, people kidding around, for expressing feelings. It’s got different versions too! Bitch, betch, bee-yotch, biyatch, or female dog with udders.

I encounter betches on a daily basis (you decide which definition applies), and I feel I have taken them for granted. I believe it’s time I acknowledge my interactions with them.

Let me tell you about the first bitch I met on the fourth day of classes. Let’s call her Betch A. I heard first hand how desperate she was on watching the Philippine Fashion Week. Here’s what she said:

“I’ve been emailing designers for invites since 2007 in preparation for my attendance in 2009, but they kept rejecting me! I even knocked on Arnold Galang’s door to ask if I can buy my way in, but he just said, ‘You need a makeover.’ Then I went to my favorite retail store, Get Laud, to inquire on how I can get tickets to their show, but they said they weren’t even participating. I can't understand why they had to pretend; I'd understand if they had no more invites to give out. They won't keep me from watching!”

See how desperate she is? And a fashion faux pas (not by wardrobe, but by her words) at that!

Now, my best friend has finally reached a dream of hers. For a year now, she’s been working around hot models (dream) she can’t date (not dream-because it’s work).She sent me a message on my phone telling me she had four sets of tickets for all the shows that same night, and nosy little Betch A was right behind me reading the message as well. I could feel her hot, polluted, exhaled carbon dioxide over my shoulder. It felt like a bull with smoke coming out of its nostrils. She then gives me the oh-my-gosh expression, explicitly showing me that she’s the one to take. She even asks me if Get Laud was showcasing their collection that night. The moment she said that, I knew Betch A was out of the question.